Once again, to the brink

We're leaving Saturday for San Juan, to board the dreaded Destiny owned
by the evil Carnival Corporation.

Funny thing is, the whole time we've been out 'a shoppin' at Wal Mart
gettin' ready fer this here outin', we've actually been anxiously
anticipating this trip.

I know! We must be insane!

Last year we suffered terribly aboard the Conquest... The unspeakable
hardships we endured... Room service on the balcony... Dancing til
all hours... The devil in the bottle... Sex without kids knocking at
the door... Terrible ports forcing us to go out and learn about other
cultures, all the while meeting interesting people and seeing things
we've never seen before sob

Excuse me a moment while I try and compose myself...

Why, Carnival, why??? Why did you have to tempt us again with lively
ships, lively people, and interesting ports? Why could you not let us
be happy with one of the more mundane experiences, where we could act
like we were better than we truly are, and be in bed by 9PM every
night?

Why can't we be happy on a cruise full of the dying or the already
dead???

WHY DIDN'T GOD LET US LIKE LAWRENCE WELK???????????????

But, we're facing our shame. We realize that we're addicted to
Carnival, forever branded red-state-white-trash...

And we'll board with our heads hung low...

We'll probably even shudder speak with Puerto Ricans... Maybe even
party with a few... sobbing uncontrollably now
Please pray for us...

Amused