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Solar Flare has TSA Worried
Associated Newz Service - Washington - October 29, 2003
Solar Flare Has TSA Worried - Terrorist Plot, or Harmless Tourists? The news, released last week, that massive solar flares were headed for Earth and could disrupt radio communications, damage GPS systems, and annoy cats, has the TSA worried, according to confirmed sources inside the agency. Sources close to President Bush reported confidentially that an inquiry was underway to determine if the Solar Flares were hiding weapons of mass destruction, and if so, how best to invade the sun with US Marines from the Marine Expeditionary Brigade recently returned from Iraq. It has been reported that some feel that the Solar Flares have been funneling money to Al-Qaida and supplying weapons-grade plutonium to North Korea, a direct violation of the "Because We Say So" unilateral US/World arms treaty. Attorney General John Ashcroft, insiders say, was disturbed to discover that the Solar Flares generally do not wear clothing. He ordered the Department of Homeland Security to find some way to place curtains over any offending naughty bits. Former President Clinton reportedly said that he'd volunteer, in the interest of world peace, to place the curtains personally. Admiral Loy, formerly head of the TSA, allegedly said that he was working closely with US Customs and Border Patrol to make sure that the Solar Flares did not sneak into the USA without appropriate passports and visas. He plans to issue regulations requiring the Solar Flares to remove their shoes prior to passing through airport security. No, wait, they can leave their shoes on. No, hold that, shoe removal for Solar Flares is voluntary. But they must leave their luggage unlocked, or risk having it damaged by the Great Apes recently obtained from a variety of zoos worldwide and trained to smash open luggage with great speed and accuracy. Governor-Elect Arnold Schwartzenegger of California has seen a parallel between the Solar Flares and recent wildfires in Southern California. He tried to make a statement to that effect, but no one could understand him. Meanwhile, Democratic candidates for President seem united in their stance that the Solar Flares are just figments of President Bush's imagination, and have called for the White House to reveal any information it has on the so-called Solar Flares. John Kerry, perennial contender for President and winner of the recent "Face Like Shoe Leather" award, has reported that in his opinion, Solar Flares are not taxed heavily enough, and they get far too many benefits. The Reverend Al Sharpton is quoted as stating that the entire thing is a racist plot by the right wing, intended to keep minorities oppressed. NASA, which is tracking the approach of the Solar Flares, has reported that it is currently one million miles from earth - er, no, scratch that, it is one million kilometers from earch and approaching at the 'Speed of Light'. That speed, of course is...ah, NASA says they're a little unclear on that and want some time to work it out on their MacIntosh computers. It has something to do with the 'metric system', whatever that is. Best Regards (and Best of Luck), Bill Mattocks |
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Solar Flare has TSA Worried
The Bill Mattocks wrote:
Associated Newz Service - Washington - October 29, 2003 Solar Flare Has TSA Worried - Terrorist Plot, or Harmless Tourists? Come on Bill, you know that solar flares are not permitted in checked or carry on baggage. |
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Solar Flare has TSA Worried
Another really big non event...
"The Bill Mattocks" wrote in message om... Associated Newz Service - Washington - October 29, 2003 Solar Flare Has TSA Worried - Terrorist Plot, or Harmless Tourists? The news, released last week, that massive solar flares were headed for Earth and could disrupt radio communications, damage GPS systems, and annoy cats, has the TSA worried, according to confirmed sources inside the agency. Sources close to President Bush reported confidentially that an inquiry was underway to determine if the Solar Flares were hiding weapons of mass destruction, and if so, how best to invade the sun with US Marines from the Marine Expeditionary Brigade recently returned from Iraq. It has been reported that some feel that the Solar Flares have been funneling money to Al-Qaida and supplying weapons-grade plutonium to North Korea, a direct violation of the "Because We Say So" unilateral US/World arms treaty. Attorney General John Ashcroft, insiders say, was disturbed to discover that the Solar Flares generally do not wear clothing. He ordered the Department of Homeland Security to find some way to place curtains over any offending naughty bits. Former President Clinton reportedly said that he'd volunteer, in the interest of world peace, to place the curtains personally. Admiral Loy, formerly head of the TSA, allegedly said that he was working closely with US Customs and Border Patrol to make sure that the Solar Flares did not sneak into the USA without appropriate passports and visas. He plans to issue regulations requiring the Solar Flares to remove their shoes prior to passing through airport security. No, wait, they can leave their shoes on. No, hold that, shoe removal for Solar Flares is voluntary. But they must leave their luggage unlocked, or risk having it damaged by the Great Apes recently obtained from a variety of zoos worldwide and trained to smash open luggage with great speed and accuracy. Governor-Elect Arnold Schwartzenegger of California has seen a parallel between the Solar Flares and recent wildfires in Southern California. He tried to make a statement to that effect, but no one could understand him. Meanwhile, Democratic candidates for President seem united in their stance that the Solar Flares are just figments of President Bush's imagination, and have called for the White House to reveal any information it has on the so-called Solar Flares. John Kerry, perennial contender for President and winner of the recent "Face Like Shoe Leather" award, has reported that in his opinion, Solar Flares are not taxed heavily enough, and they get far too many benefits. The Reverend Al Sharpton is quoted as stating that the entire thing is a racist plot by the right wing, intended to keep minorities oppressed. NASA, which is tracking the approach of the Solar Flares, has reported that it is currently one million miles from earth - er, no, scratch that, it is one million kilometers from earch and approaching at the 'Speed of Light'. That speed, of course is...ah, NASA says they're a little unclear on that and want some time to work it out on their MacIntosh computers. It has something to do with the 'metric system', whatever that is. Best Regards (and Best of Luck), Bill Mattocks |
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Solar Flare has TSA Worried
"NewsRojosh" wrote in message
. .. Another really big non event... .... for airline passengers. ....but I wouldn't want to be an insurance company for comms satellites right now. Checked where your mutual funds are recently? ;-) Regards, Howard |
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