Savage Love

Savage Love
by Dan Savage
January 14 - 20, 2004

I am a massage girl - wink, wink - who provides men with happy endings. I enjoy
porn especially guy-on-guy porn and think of myself as very open. I am also
happily married. Until recently. My husband is 36, handsome, 6-2, well-endowed,
works out daily, and has an awesome body. For 14 years our sex life was great.
He liked that I talked dirty during sex, watched porn, etc. In the past two
years, however, all he has wanted to talk about are she-males. This wouldn't
bother me so much if he could still **** me like before, but he's been having
trouble getting hard. The only way he can do it, lately, is while he's watching
she-male porn or listening to me talk dirty about she-males. I know a
professional she-male, and I offered to make my husband's fantasy come true. But
he is too scared of diseases. Do you think he's gay? Nothing would be wrong with
that except what it would mean for our marriage!

-Confused and Frustrated in B'more


Some straight guys like dick. I mean, they really like dick. They like dick so
much that they want to play with dicks other than their own. But they're
straight guys, CAFIB, so they don't want to play with some other dude's dick.
They want to play with a dick that's attached to someone who in every other
respect looks like a hot woman. Straight guys like your husband are pretty
common, CAFIB, while good-looking she-males are not. Which is why hot she-males
can charge hundreds of dollars an hour for the pleasure of their company. So is
your husband gay? No. Gay men like dick to be attached to men, not women.
(Speaking as a gay man, I can assure you that I've never been tempted by
she-male dick.) While I feel confident in saying your cock-hungry husband is
straight, CAFIB, by no means is he 100 percent straight. But he's straight
enough for all practical purposes certainly straight enough to **** your brains
out for 14 years, and straight enough to keep on ****ing your brains out for the
rest of your unnatural life. Very few straight guys into she-males are into them
exclusively. They just want to mess around with a she-male now and then, so they
can play with another dick. (Didja catch that? I wrote "another dick," not
"another man's dick." He wants to play with a woman's dick. 'Cause he's straight
see how that works?)

As to your husband's performance problems, I'd chalk them up to that notorious
buzz kill, the Unfulfilled, All-Consuming Fantasy. He's clearly obsessed, and
until he lives out this fantasy, all other sex acts, partners, and opportunities
will pale in comparison to the idealized she-male experience he's been
masturbating about. His sexual withdrawal is a sign of despair, not
homosexuality. Stop asking permission to help him realize his fantasy and just
make it happen. I speak from experience. I can't go into details because my
boyfriend stuck a "no details about our sex life in the column" clause in our
prenup, but I can say this: A few years back, my reliably vanilla boyfriend
suddenly had a fantasy. It was his first. Like your husband, CAFIB, my boyfriend
wanted to talk about his fantasy during sex, and he downloaded all the relevant
pornography. But whenever I suggested we stop talking about it and do it, he
balked. Then one day I told him I was done asking for his permission. I was just
going to make it happen. And I did. He was grateful, which was nice, and his
fantasy, once realized, was no longer all-consuming, which was nicer. It was
still there, of course; realizing a fantasy, despite what so many people seem to
believe, does not purge it. But after acting on his fantasy, my boyfriend was
able to talk about other stuff during sex again. (I realize this is
frustratingly vague, but if I included any actual details like, say, the Finnish
national swim team, the two kegs of beer, or the 15 rolls of duct tape my
boyfriend would kill me.)

The next time your husband begs you to talk dirty about she-males, do it. During
the dirty talk, tell him that you're going to make it happen, and tell him
you're not asking for his permission anymore. Then make it happen invite your
she-male colleague over for the evening, use condoms on his dick and her dick,
and keep the sex as safe as possible.

Will your husband, once he's tasted she-dick, decide to run off with your
colleague? Perhaps. But that's a risk you'll have to run, just as I ran the risk
of losing my boyfriend to the Finnish national swim team. Because if your
husband never realizes his fantasy, you're going to lose him for sure.
Subconsciously he has set this up as a choice between his fantasies and his
marriage, which is probably why he's having a hard time getting it up for you.
You have to make it clear that it isn't a choice he has to make hell, it's not a
choice you're going to let him make.

http://www.villagevoice.com/issues/0402/savage.php