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Solar Flare has TSA Worried



 
 
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  #1  
Old October 29th, 2003, 06:05 PM
The Bill Mattocks
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Default Solar Flare has TSA Worried

Associated Newz Service - Washington - October 29, 2003

Solar Flare Has TSA Worried - Terrorist Plot, or Harmless Tourists?

The news, released last week, that massive solar flares were headed
for Earth and could disrupt radio communications, damage GPS systems,
and annoy cats, has the TSA worried, according to confirmed sources
inside the agency.

Sources close to President Bush reported confidentially that an
inquiry was underway to determine if the Solar Flares were hiding
weapons of mass destruction, and if so, how best to invade the sun
with US Marines from the Marine Expeditionary Brigade recently
returned from Iraq. It has been reported that some feel that the
Solar Flares have been funneling money to Al-Qaida and supplying
weapons-grade plutonium to North Korea, a direct violation of the
"Because We Say So" unilateral US/World arms treaty.

Attorney General John Ashcroft, insiders say, was disturbed to
discover that the Solar Flares generally do not wear clothing. He
ordered the Department of Homeland Security to find some way to place
curtains over any offending naughty bits. Former President Clinton
reportedly said that he'd volunteer, in the interest of world peace,
to place the curtains personally.

Admiral Loy, formerly head of the TSA, allegedly said that he was
working closely with US Customs and Border Patrol to make sure that
the Solar Flares did not sneak into the USA without appropriate
passports and visas. He plans to issue regulations requiring the
Solar Flares to remove their shoes prior to passing through airport
security. No, wait, they can leave their shoes on. No, hold that,
shoe removal for Solar Flares is voluntary. But they must leave their
luggage unlocked, or risk having it damaged by the Great Apes recently
obtained from a variety of zoos worldwide and trained to smash open
luggage with great speed and accuracy.

Governor-Elect Arnold Schwartzenegger of California has seen a
parallel between the Solar Flares and recent wildfires in Southern
California. He tried to make a statement to that effect, but no one
could understand him.

Meanwhile, Democratic candidates for President seem united in their
stance that the Solar Flares are just figments of President Bush's
imagination, and have called for the White House to reveal any
information it has on the so-called Solar Flares. John Kerry,
perennial contender for President and winner of the recent "Face Like
Shoe Leather" award, has reported that in his opinion, Solar Flares
are not taxed heavily enough, and they get far too many benefits. The
Reverend Al Sharpton is quoted as stating that the entire thing is a
racist plot by the right wing, intended to keep minorities oppressed.

NASA, which is tracking the approach of the Solar Flares, has reported
that it is currently one million miles from earth - er, no, scratch
that, it is one million kilometers from earch and approaching at the
'Speed of Light'. That speed, of course is...ah, NASA says they're a
little unclear on that and want some time to work it out on their
MacIntosh computers. It has something to do with the 'metric system',
whatever that is.

Best Regards (and Best of Luck),

Bill Mattocks
  #2  
Old October 29th, 2003, 06:08 PM
mrtravel
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default Solar Flare has TSA Worried

The Bill Mattocks wrote:

Associated Newz Service - Washington - October 29, 2003

Solar Flare Has TSA Worried - Terrorist Plot, or Harmless Tourists?


Come on Bill, you know that solar flares are not permitted in checked or
carry on baggage.

  #3  
Old October 29th, 2003, 11:45 PM
NewsRojosh
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default Solar Flare has TSA Worried

Another really big non event...

"The Bill Mattocks" wrote in message
om...
Associated Newz Service - Washington - October 29, 2003

Solar Flare Has TSA Worried - Terrorist Plot, or Harmless Tourists?

The news, released last week, that massive solar flares were headed
for Earth and could disrupt radio communications, damage GPS systems,
and annoy cats, has the TSA worried, according to confirmed sources
inside the agency.

Sources close to President Bush reported confidentially that an
inquiry was underway to determine if the Solar Flares were hiding
weapons of mass destruction, and if so, how best to invade the sun
with US Marines from the Marine Expeditionary Brigade recently
returned from Iraq. It has been reported that some feel that the
Solar Flares have been funneling money to Al-Qaida and supplying
weapons-grade plutonium to North Korea, a direct violation of the
"Because We Say So" unilateral US/World arms treaty.

Attorney General John Ashcroft, insiders say, was disturbed to
discover that the Solar Flares generally do not wear clothing. He
ordered the Department of Homeland Security to find some way to place
curtains over any offending naughty bits. Former President Clinton
reportedly said that he'd volunteer, in the interest of world peace,
to place the curtains personally.

Admiral Loy, formerly head of the TSA, allegedly said that he was
working closely with US Customs and Border Patrol to make sure that
the Solar Flares did not sneak into the USA without appropriate
passports and visas. He plans to issue regulations requiring the
Solar Flares to remove their shoes prior to passing through airport
security. No, wait, they can leave their shoes on. No, hold that,
shoe removal for Solar Flares is voluntary. But they must leave their
luggage unlocked, or risk having it damaged by the Great Apes recently
obtained from a variety of zoos worldwide and trained to smash open
luggage with great speed and accuracy.

Governor-Elect Arnold Schwartzenegger of California has seen a
parallel between the Solar Flares and recent wildfires in Southern
California. He tried to make a statement to that effect, but no one
could understand him.

Meanwhile, Democratic candidates for President seem united in their
stance that the Solar Flares are just figments of President Bush's
imagination, and have called for the White House to reveal any
information it has on the so-called Solar Flares. John Kerry,
perennial contender for President and winner of the recent "Face Like
Shoe Leather" award, has reported that in his opinion, Solar Flares
are not taxed heavily enough, and they get far too many benefits. The
Reverend Al Sharpton is quoted as stating that the entire thing is a
racist plot by the right wing, intended to keep minorities oppressed.

NASA, which is tracking the approach of the Solar Flares, has reported
that it is currently one million miles from earth - er, no, scratch
that, it is one million kilometers from earch and approaching at the
'Speed of Light'. That speed, of course is...ah, NASA says they're a
little unclear on that and want some time to work it out on their
MacIntosh computers. It has something to do with the 'metric system',
whatever that is.

Best Regards (and Best of Luck),

Bill Mattocks



  #4  
Old October 30th, 2003, 01:01 AM
Howard Long
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Posts: n/a
Default Solar Flare has TSA Worried

"NewsRojosh" wrote in message
. ..
Another really big non event...

.... for airline passengers.

....but I wouldn't want to be an insurance company for comms satellites right
now. Checked where your mutual funds are recently? ;-)

Regards, Howard


 




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