"Do parents overplay the kid card?"

Breeder-of-five editorialist wonders if parents "overplay the kid
card," and comes to the conclusion that, well, if they do, they've got
a good reason...

"The childfree are probably right about parental self-absorption.
Maybe
we do convince ourselves that we have a monopoly on tiredness and
stress
because our time is double booked....But, heavens, someone has to
produce the next generation of doctors and nurses to care for the
childfree in their old age, and it isn't easy."

http://tinyurl.com/6nna9

Do parents overplay the Kid Card?
(Filed: 25/03/2005)

The childfree are beginning to complain that people with children get
a better deal. Mother of five Cassandra Jardine concedes they might
have a point

As a representative of working parenthood, I have been invited to take

part in Woman's Hour on Easter Monday. My mission is to confront Manda

Rigby, a childless woman who feels that mothers - and, increasingly,
fathers - are all too ready to play the "Kid Card", leaving those
without children to pick up the slack.

I hadn't, until then, thought much about the plight of the childless -

or childfree, as they sometimes prefer to be known. Before the
programme, however, I asked around and found myself astonished by the
depth of anti-parent feeling.

"I always park in the parent and child spaces at the supermarket,"
said
one woman. "The money I spend is just as good as theirs."

"I used to resent it bitterly when a colleague would rush off home to
see his baby, leaving me to work late," said a man. "Of course, I
couldn't say anything about it;

it would have looked mean-spirited."

Non-parents feel they are expected to work unsocial hours and
weekends,
and take holidays in February. A request for child-related time off is

waved through on the nod, yet when the childless mention their plumber

or dentist, let alone their aged mother, they are expected to make
arrangements out of working hours.

To make them crosser still, it seems now as if Leo Blair and John
Brown
are dictating Government policy. The Labour Party is wooing parents
with
ever longer maternity leave, paternity leave, flexible hours for those

with children under six and childcare allowances. The other parties
are
equally eager to appear family-friendly. "What about us?" say the
non-parents. "We would like time off, too."

They have a point. Of course, some of the much trumpeted Government
family-friendly initiatives aren't nearly as generous as they appear.
Maternity leave is longer, but just six weeks is paid at 90 per cent
of
normal salary: thereafter only those with generous employers or who
can
live on £102 a week can afford to take six months, let alone a full
year, half of it unpaid.

But, says Manda: "Why shouldn't I get the same priority when I want to

go to watch Bolton Wanderers play? Why should I have to forgo a
theatre
trip because someone else's nanny is sick?" To many of those who have
chosen not to have children, being a parent is just another lifestyle
choice.

Manda is a smiley 43-year-old who was born in Manchester, lives in
Windsor and was until recently MD of an internet service company.
"Lucky
you," she says when she hears I have children, but she doesn't regret
not having any herself. "I'm not cut out for it," she explains. "I was

an only child with two elderly parents so I'm not at ease with
children
and I'm too much of a perfectionist to be a good mother. "

In addition, none of the men she had relationships with wanted
children.
"Why not?" I ask, to which she responds: "Why? A lot of men just go
along with the child thing because women want them." One of the gripes

of the childfree is parents' besotted assumption that the childless
are
missing out. Women such as Manda do not see not having children as an
unfortunate side-effect of not finding a man or leaving it too late.
One
in five women over 40 is childless. The number has doubled in the past

20 years, she believes, for the excellent reason that women and men
can
think of better ways to spend their time and money.

Manda is not as much of a cross-patch as some who contribute to the
website of Kids Aside (The British Childfree Association), many of
whom
seem to think that all children are fit only for Brat Camp. Nor does
she
support a suggestion that since children are increasingly obese,
parent
and child parking spaces should be placed as far as possible from
supermarket entrances so the little lumps of lard have to walk a few
yards to fill their parents' trolleys with fatty, sugary junk.

For some, it rankles when supermarkets trumpet "Two for the Price of
One" when there are more households with single occupants (more than
6.5
million) than there are parents with children. On holiday, too, it is
annoying for singles to be asked to pay single-person supplements.
"Surely we should get a discount? We're much less trouble than
families
with unruly children," says one.

Manda does get fed up with the self-importance of parents. In
restaurants her peace is wrecked by children racing round, sticking
their fingers in the food. "The parents are obviously so used to it
that
they can tune it out," she says. "I can't and it ruins my evening."

She appreciates the 25 per cent council tax reduction she gets because

she lives alone in her four-bedroom house, but she doesn't go so far
as
to think that non-parents should pay less tax than those of us who
burden the nation with our children's education and healthcare needs.

But it is the discrimination at work that hurts most. A friend who
works
in human resources says that the childless are resigning because they
are lumbered with the unsocial hours: if parents can't organise their
childcare, they should stay at home. "You couldn't have a brain
surgeon
who stopped in the middle of an operation because he had to rush off,"

she declares. "Some jobs aren't suitable for parents."

The childfree are probably right about parental self-absorption. Maybe

we do convince ourselves that we have a monopoly on tiredness and
stress
because our time is double booked. Perhaps we do assume that everyone
is
as interested in our children as we are ourselves. But, heavens,
someone
has to produce the next generation of doctors and nurses to care for
the
childfree in their old age, and it isn't easy.

In my experience, most new parents - and I was one of them - feel they

are suddenly the centre of the universe. For a while we dash home from

work at the slightest crisis, believing ourselves indispensable and
the
child fragile. But, after a year or so, those who can't delegate tend
to
stop work and those in time-consuming jobs move sideways so they can
manage their own time without disadvantaging others. Often, parents
are
more effective at work because it no longer dominates their lives.

The answer is not to crack down on parents who dare to treat their
child's parent/teacher evening as important. If we aren't going to
produce a generation of mad axemen and therapy junkies, parents have
to
show they care -and watching the school play on video is not the same
as
being there in person.

Rather than complaining about the selfishness of parents and waging
covert warfare in the workplace, the childfree could be demanding the
same flexibility for themselves - and are beginning to do so. They are

asking for time off to look after sick relatives, or for the
equivalent
of maternity leave to write a book, or work for a charity. As Manda
says: "I'm not trying to take away, I want an equal share."

We parents can do our bit, too. We could ask if it is OK to bag August

for a holiday - rather than assume it as our right. Then the childless

might soften and admit that September is a better time to go on
holiday
anyway.

There are plenty of other concessions parents could make now we know
how
much of a nuisance we can be - but I haven't time to list them as I
must
rush off to one of my children's swimming gala.

And some of us kid free adults, are too busy taking care of everybody else
to have our own kids...

--
WDW is a Way of Life
"Derek Janssen" wrote in message
...
Breeder-of-five editorialist wonders if parents "overplay the kid
card," and comes to the conclusion that, well, if they do, they've got
a good reason...

"The childfree are probably right about parental self-absorption.
Maybe
we do convince ourselves that we have a monopoly on tiredness and
stress
because our time is double booked....But, heavens, someone has to
produce the next generation of doctors and nurses to care for the
childfree in their old age, and it isn't easy."

http://tinyurl.com/6nna9

Do parents overplay the Kid Card?
(Filed: 25/03/2005)

The childfree are beginning to complain that people with children get
a better deal. Mother of five Cassandra Jardine concedes they might
have a point

As a representative of working parenthood, I have been invited to take

part in Woman's Hour on Easter Monday. My mission is to confront Manda

Rigby, a childless woman who feels that mothers - and, increasingly,
fathers - are all too ready to play the "Kid Card", leaving those
without children to pick up the slack.

I hadn't, until then, thought much about the plight of the childless -

or childfree, as they sometimes prefer to be known. Before the
programme, however, I asked around and found myself astonished by the
depth of anti-parent feeling.

"I always park in the parent and child spaces at the supermarket,"
said
one woman. "The money I spend is just as good as theirs."

"I used to resent it bitterly when a colleague would rush off home to
see his baby, leaving me to work late," said a man. "Of course, I
couldn't say anything about it;

it would have looked mean-spirited."

Non-parents feel they are expected to work unsocial hours and
weekends,
and take holidays in February. A request for child-related time off is

waved through on the nod, yet when the childless mention their plumber

or dentist, let alone their aged mother, they are expected to make
arrangements out of working hours.

To make them crosser still, it seems now as if Leo Blair and John
Brown
are dictating Government policy. The Labour Party is wooing parents
with
ever longer maternity leave, paternity leave, flexible hours for those

with children under six and childcare allowances. The other parties
are
equally eager to appear family-friendly. "What about us?" say the
non-parents. "We would like time off, too."

They have a point. Of course, some of the much trumpeted Government
family-friendly initiatives aren't nearly as generous as they appear.
Maternity leave is longer, but just six weeks is paid at 90 per cent
of
normal salary: thereafter only those with generous employers or who
can
live on £102 a week can afford to take six months, let alone a full
year, half of it unpaid.

But, says Manda: "Why shouldn't I get the same priority when I want to

go to watch Bolton Wanderers play? Why should I have to forgo a
theatre
trip because someone else's nanny is sick?" To many of those who have
chosen not to have children, being a parent is just another lifestyle
choice.

Manda is a smiley 43-year-old who was born in Manchester, lives in
Windsor and was until recently MD of an internet service company.
"Lucky
you," she says when she hears I have children, but she doesn't regret
not having any herself. "I'm not cut out for it," she explains. "I was

an only child with two elderly parents so I'm not at ease with
children
and I'm too much of a perfectionist to be a good mother. "

In addition, none of the men she had relationships with wanted
children.
"Why not?" I ask, to which she responds: "Why? A lot of men just go
along with the child thing because women want them." One of the gripes

of the childfree is parents' besotted assumption that the childless
are
missing out. Women such as Manda do not see not having children as an
unfortunate side-effect of not finding a man or leaving it too late.
One
in five women over 40 is childless. The number has doubled in the past

20 years, she believes, for the excellent reason that women and men
can
think of better ways to spend their time and money.

Manda is not as much of a cross-patch as some who contribute to the
website of Kids Aside (The British Childfree Association), many of
whom
seem to think that all children are fit only for Brat Camp. Nor does
she
support a suggestion that since children are increasingly obese,
parent
and child parking spaces should be placed as far as possible from
supermarket entrances so the little lumps of lard have to walk a few
yards to fill their parents' trolleys with fatty, sugary junk.

For some, it rankles when supermarkets trumpet "Two for the Price of
One" when there are more households with single occupants (more than
6.5
million) than there are parents with children. On holiday, too, it is
annoying for singles to be asked to pay single-person supplements.
"Surely we should get a discount? We're much less trouble than
families
with unruly children," says one.

Manda does get fed up with the self-importance of parents. In
restaurants her peace is wrecked by children racing round, sticking
their fingers in the food. "The parents are obviously so used to it
that
they can tune it out," she says. "I can't and it ruins my evening."

She appreciates the 25 per cent council tax reduction she gets because

she lives alone in her four-bedroom house, but she doesn't go so far
as
to think that non-parents should pay less tax than those of us who
burden the nation with our children's education and healthcare needs.

But it is the discrimination at work that hurts most. A friend who
works
in human resources says that the childless are resigning because they
are lumbered with the unsocial hours: if parents can't organise their
childcare, they should stay at home. "You couldn't have a brain
surgeon
who stopped in the middle of an operation because he had to rush off,"

she declares. "Some jobs aren't suitable for parents."

The childfree are probably right about parental self-absorption. Maybe

we do convince ourselves that we have a monopoly on tiredness and
stress
because our time is double booked. Perhaps we do assume that everyone
is
as interested in our children as we are ourselves. But, heavens,
someone
has to produce the next generation of doctors and nurses to care for
the
childfree in their old age, and it isn't easy.

In my experience, most new parents - and I was one of them - feel they

are suddenly the centre of the universe. For a while we dash home from

work at the slightest crisis, believing ourselves indispensable and
the
child fragile. But, after a year or so, those who can't delegate tend
to
stop work and those in time-consuming jobs move sideways so they can
manage their own time without disadvantaging others. Often, parents
are
more effective at work because it no longer dominates their lives.

The answer is not to crack down on parents who dare to treat their
child's parent/teacher evening as important. If we aren't going to
produce a generation of mad axemen and therapy junkies, parents have
to
show they care -and watching the school play on video is not the same
as
being there in person.

Rather than complaining about the selfishness of parents and waging
covert warfare in the workplace, the childfree could be demanding the
same flexibility for themselves - and are beginning to do so. They are

asking for time off to look after sick relatives, or for the
equivalent
of maternity leave to write a book, or work for a charity. As Manda
says: "I'm not trying to take away, I want an equal share."

We parents can do our bit, too. We could ask if it is OK to bag August

for a holiday - rather than assume it as our right. Then the childless

might soften and admit that September is a better time to go on
holiday
anyway.

There are plenty of other concessions parents could make now we know
how
much of a nuisance we can be - but I haven't time to list them as I
must
rush off to one of my children's swimming gala.

And some of us kid free adults, are too busy taking care of everybody else
to have our own kids...

--
WDW is a Way of Life
"Derek Janssen" wrote in message
...
Breeder-of-five editorialist wonders if parents "overplay the kid
card," and comes to the conclusion that, well, if they do, they've got
a good reason...

"The childfree are probably right about parental self-absorption.
Maybe
we do convince ourselves that we have a monopoly on tiredness and
stress
because our time is double booked....But, heavens, someone has to
produce the next generation of doctors and nurses to care for the
childfree in their old age, and it isn't easy."

http://tinyurl.com/6nna9

Do parents overplay the Kid Card?
(Filed: 25/03/2005)

The childfree are beginning to complain that people with children get
a better deal. Mother of five Cassandra Jardine concedes they might
have a point

As a representative of working parenthood, I have been invited to take

part in Woman's Hour on Easter Monday. My mission is to confront Manda

Rigby, a childless woman who feels that mothers - and, increasingly,
fathers - are all too ready to play the "Kid Card", leaving those
without children to pick up the slack.

I hadn't, until then, thought much about the plight of the childless -

or childfree, as they sometimes prefer to be known. Before the
programme, however, I asked around and found myself astonished by the
depth of anti-parent feeling.

"I always park in the parent and child spaces at the supermarket,"
said
one woman. "The money I spend is just as good as theirs."

"I used to resent it bitterly when a colleague would rush off home to
see his baby, leaving me to work late," said a man. "Of course, I
couldn't say anything about it;

it would have looked mean-spirited."

Non-parents feel they are expected to work unsocial hours and
weekends,
and take holidays in February. A request for child-related time off is

waved through on the nod, yet when the childless mention their plumber

or dentist, let alone their aged mother, they are expected to make
arrangements out of working hours.

To make them crosser still, it seems now as if Leo Blair and John
Brown
are dictating Government policy. The Labour Party is wooing parents
with
ever longer maternity leave, paternity leave, flexible hours for those

with children under six and childcare allowances. The other parties
are
equally eager to appear family-friendly. "What about us?" say the
non-parents. "We would like time off, too."

They have a point. Of course, some of the much trumpeted Government
family-friendly initiatives aren't nearly as generous as they appear.
Maternity leave is longer, but just six weeks is paid at 90 per cent
of
normal salary: thereafter only those with generous employers or who
can
live on £102 a week can afford to take six months, let alone a full
year, half of it unpaid.

But, says Manda: "Why shouldn't I get the same priority when I want to

go to watch Bolton Wanderers play? Why should I have to forgo a
theatre
trip because someone else's nanny is sick?" To many of those who have
chosen not to have children, being a parent is just another lifestyle
choice.

Manda is a smiley 43-year-old who was born in Manchester, lives in
Windsor and was until recently MD of an internet service company.
"Lucky
you," she says when she hears I have children, but she doesn't regret
not having any herself. "I'm not cut out for it," she explains. "I was

an only child with two elderly parents so I'm not at ease with
children
and I'm too much of a perfectionist to be a good mother. "

In addition, none of the men she had relationships with wanted
children.
"Why not?" I ask, to which she responds: "Why? A lot of men just go
along with the child thing because women want them." One of the gripes

of the childfree is parents' besotted assumption that the childless
are
missing out. Women such as Manda do not see not having children as an
unfortunate side-effect of not finding a man or leaving it too late.
One
in five women over 40 is childless. The number has doubled in the past

20 years, she believes, for the excellent reason that women and men
can
think of better ways to spend their time and money.

Manda is not as much of a cross-patch as some who contribute to the
website of Kids Aside (The British Childfree Association), many of
whom
seem to think that all children are fit only for Brat Camp. Nor does
she
support a suggestion that since children are increasingly obese,
parent
and child parking spaces should be placed as far as possible from
supermarket entrances so the little lumps of lard have to walk a few
yards to fill their parents' trolleys with fatty, sugary junk.

For some, it rankles when supermarkets trumpet "Two for the Price of
One" when there are more households with single occupants (more than
6.5
million) than there are parents with children. On holiday, too, it is
annoying for singles to be asked to pay single-person supplements.
"Surely we should get a discount? We're much less trouble than
families
with unruly children," says one.

Manda does get fed up with the self-importance of parents. In
restaurants her peace is wrecked by children racing round, sticking
their fingers in the food. "The parents are obviously so used to it
that
they can tune it out," she says. "I can't and it ruins my evening."

She appreciates the 25 per cent council tax reduction she gets because

she lives alone in her four-bedroom house, but she doesn't go so far
as
to think that non-parents should pay less tax than those of us who
burden the nation with our children's education and healthcare needs.

But it is the discrimination at work that hurts most. A friend who
works
in human resources says that the childless are resigning because they
are lumbered with the unsocial hours: if parents can't organise their
childcare, they should stay at home. "You couldn't have a brain
surgeon
who stopped in the middle of an operation because he had to rush off,"

she declares. "Some jobs aren't suitable for parents."

The childfree are probably right about parental self-absorption. Maybe

we do convince ourselves that we have a monopoly on tiredness and
stress
because our time is double booked. Perhaps we do assume that everyone
is
as interested in our children as we are ourselves. But, heavens,
someone
has to produce the next generation of doctors and nurses to care for
the
childfree in their old age, and it isn't easy.

In my experience, most new parents - and I was one of them - feel they

are suddenly the centre of the universe. For a while we dash home from

work at the slightest crisis, believing ourselves indispensable and
the
child fragile. But, after a year or so, those who can't delegate tend
to
stop work and those in time-consuming jobs move sideways so they can
manage their own time without disadvantaging others. Often, parents
are
more effective at work because it no longer dominates their lives.

The answer is not to crack down on parents who dare to treat their
child's parent/teacher evening as important. If we aren't going to
produce a generation of mad axemen and therapy junkies, parents have
to
show they care -and watching the school play on video is not the same
as
being there in person.

Rather than complaining about the selfishness of parents and waging
covert warfare in the workplace, the childfree could be demanding the
same flexibility for themselves - and are beginning to do so. They are

asking for time off to look after sick relatives, or for the
equivalent
of maternity leave to write a book, or work for a charity. As Manda
says: "I'm not trying to take away, I want an equal share."

We parents can do our bit, too. We could ask if it is OK to bag August

for a holiday - rather than assume it as our right. Then the childless

might soften and admit that September is a better time to go on
holiday
anyway.

There are plenty of other concessions parents could make now we know
how
much of a nuisance we can be - but I haven't time to list them as I
must
rush off to one of my children's swimming gala.